Needing A Release
I don't know about you all, but I sure could use a lift. This doesn't completely do it, but it's a start.
1. JEWBILATION n.
Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
2. TORAHFIED n.
Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
3. SANTA-SHMANTA n.
The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbors celebrate Christmas.
4. MATZILATION v.
Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
5. BUBBEGUM n.
Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
6. CHUTZPAPA n.
A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.
7. DÉJÀ NU n.
Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.
8. DISORIYENTA n.
When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
9. GOYFER n.
A Gentile messenger.
10. HEBORT vb.
To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
11. JEWDO n.
A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
12. MAMATZAH BALLS n.
Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make.
13. MEINSTEIN - slang.
"My son, the genius!"
14. MISHPOCHADOTS n.
The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
15. RE-SHTETLEMENT n.
Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.
16. ROSH HASHANA-NA-NA n.
A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.
17. YIDENTIFY v.
To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.
18. MINYASTICS n.
Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.
19. FEELAWFUL n.
Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially fellafel.
20. DIS-KVELLIFIED vb.
To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.
21. IMPASTA n.
A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.
22. KINDERS SHLEP v.
To transport other kids besides yours in your car.
23. SCHMUCKLUCK n.
Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
24. SHOFARSOGUT n.
The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
25. TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n.
An appetizer one finds out has pork.