Friday, July 08, 2005

Needing A Release

I don't know about you all, but I sure could use a lift. This doesn't completely do it, but it's a start.

Jewish Words:


Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.

Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbors celebrate Christmas.

Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

7. DÉJÀ NU n.
Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.

When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

9. GOYFER n.
A Gentile messenger.

10. HEBORT vb.
To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

11. JEWDO n.
A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make.

13. MEINSTEIN - slang.
"My son, the genius!"

The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.

A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.

To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially fellafel.

To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

21. IMPASTA n.
A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

To transport other kids besides yours in your car.

Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

An appetizer one finds out has pork.


At 10:58 PM, Blogger Gindy said...


This is the one I can sort of relate to.

At 5:48 AM, Blogger muse said...

Isn't it an adjective?

Nice lift. Shabbat Shalom and Chodesh Tov

At 7:34 AM, Anonymous Rachel said...

all the bits that I understood totally cracked me up. Thanks for the light relief, I think I needed it :-)

Now I am off to forward that to all of my Jewish friends!

At 7:36 AM, Blogger Esther said...

Gindy, haha.

muse, good point. :) Toda raba. Shabbat Shalom.

rachel, glad you enjoyed and yes -- pass on some fun!

At 8:39 AM, Anonymous Jonathan said...


At 9:51 AM, Blogger Always On Watch said...

A goyfer here. These are great! I may not be Jewish, but I am a foreign-language major and love plays on words.

At 10:17 AM, Anonymous Jonathan said...

Oops. Make that "metzuyan!"

At 10:30 AM, Blogger SEAWITCH said...

I can relate to this one. My grandfather used to make what I consider a treat, matzo cooked with eggs. He never smashed it. When I try to make it for my son though, it usually ends up in pieces.

Thanks for the lightness.

At 11:57 AM, Blogger Sergeant America said...

Not Jewish, but a quick n' dirty search on Yahoo! turned this oldie but goodie (IMO)

A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning. The plane crash lands on a Pacific Island and the 3 are immediately captured by a tribe of cannibals and taken to their village. The Chief tells the 3 captives that these cannibals are civilized and they have a custom on their island that before they eat anyone, they grant that person his or her last wishes, no matter what they are.

He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?"

The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all the trimmings, Cajun fries and a case of Bud."

The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who immediately run into the jungle and come back with the steak, the fries and the beer. The Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the pot.

The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?"

He replies: "I'd like a case of Dom Perignon and I'd also like a big plate of escargots cooked in the French manner."

The Chief motions to his tribesmen who immediately rush off into the jungle and bring back everything the Frenchman asked for. He eats and drinks his fill, and he is then thrown in the pot.

The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?"

The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I want you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can." The Chief is bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only to receive the same reply. "I want you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can."

The Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and kicks him as hard as he can. With that the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the Chief and all of the other cannibals.

The Texan and the Frenchman get out of the pot, look at the Israeli and say: "If you had that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?"

The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN, EU and the State Department for 'overreacting' to insufficient provocation?"

At 3:57 PM, Anonymous Felis said...

Oh my goodness, Esther it was soo funny.

At 4:32 PM, Anonymous Jonathan said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 4:33 PM, Anonymous Jonathan said...

Seawitch, could you be referring to matzo brie? You first soak the matzo boards in hot water, then drain them, then let them soak up the egg, and then cook it all up in a frying pan. I've learned to add a few other ingredients (mushrooms, maybe onions), to do it up more as a loose omelet. It's what passes for comfort food.

At 7:15 PM, Blogger SEAWITCH said...


I am not sure what it is called. I just know when he cooked it, it was very good comfort food. I will have to remember about soaking the matzo in hot water first and will try it with mushrooms and onions.

At 8:09 PM, Blogger Esther said...

Jonathan, just helping you out with the double posting. :) And good call on realizing what Seawitch was talking about. Matzah brie is delicious. I've never added other things to it, but then again I don't like omelets. I just like doing the basics (the hot water soak, squeeze out the water and then drop in the eggs -- as many as pieces of matzah that you used, then drop the "batter" into pancake like clumps) and then when done, I put sugar on them -- my boyfriend and my mother put salt. Yummy!

AOW, glad you enjoyed. :)

SA -- that was pretty funny too!

At 11:51 PM, Anonymous Rachel said...

I have some absolutely terrible Jewish jokes told to me by none other than my Jewish friends! Come to think of it, I have a stockpile of jokes that relate to absolutely everything and everyone... which, if you have read my blog, wouldn't surprise any of you:-)

I'll try and think of some acceptable jokes and get back to this post!

At 12:37 PM, Anonymous Rachel Ann said...

Loved the jokes Esther.
And my favorite Jewish joke was the one with G-d and Moshe disussing "Thou shall not seethe a kid in his mother's milk." but I'm terrible at telling jokes, so if someone knows this one tell it to me!

SA loved your joke as well.

At 12:41 AM, Blogger patrickafir said...

goy boy-toy: a nice Jewish gal's indiscretion after a bit too much wine on Purim


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