Thursday, June 16, 2005

Need Advice/Anger Issues

I find you all to be rather insightful individuals, so I am asking you for your help.

I've had a recent situation that left me quite angry. I need to get over it already. But how? People who know me IRL probably think I'm used to it by now and developed a routine but I haven't. I think about it often, but I don't want to any more.

How does a person get over these feelings of betrayal/disloyalty/unfairness/fill-in-the-blank and move on?

12 Comments:

At 12:02 PM, Anonymous Rory said...

Esther, I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this, but I can offer you one piece of advice that might be helpful. DON'T LET THIS PERSON LIVE RENT-FREE INSIDE YOUR HEAD. (If you want to email me, I have some additional advice I can give you).

 
At 12:37 PM, Blogger Regular Ron said...

Oh boy....Well, you can do a few things...Completly forget about them...Let your anger bottle up to you explode onto someone you Do care about...Or kick the hell out of them.

Either way...The pain doesn't go away. It stays with you until your heart says so. I don't know what else to say. I hate having friends feel pain, because in someways it becomes my pain as well.

I just hope everything is alright. You know where to find me.

Regular Ron

 
At 1:44 PM, Blogger Gindy said...

I guess it depends on the situation. The best thing is usually just to move on. In reality you will run across people like that your whole life.

In my personal life and business life I take great pains to avoid and separate myself from people like that.

My response really isn't saying anything of value.

"How does a person get over these feelings of betrayal/disloyalty/unfairness/fill-in-the-blank and move on? "

You can try revenge. But, that usually doens't get you anywhere and can often make the situation worse (I don't really believe in revenge). In general you should probably go the way of being the better person.

Finally, it depends if it is personal matter or business matter (Betrayal of a friend vrs. betrayal at work).

 
At 4:31 PM, Blogger MissingLink said...

It is incredibly hard question because we are individuals and thus react differently.
It doesn’t help if you are a very sensitive person – unfortunately I think you probably are.
The hardest part is to deal with our past or rather with these parts of our memory , which relate to the person in question.
Remove it, and you will feel miserable because there were so many good moments associated with this person. It’s like losing a major part of yourself.
Such “amnesia” will create a feeling of vacuum, a feeling of terrible loss wich will leave you depressed forever.
The best solution, in my opinion, would be to allow this person to “virtually die” or cease to exist in the present tense.
In fact it is a different person now, someone you don’t really want to know.
It is strange but we cope (usually) better with someone’s death.
We still have our wonderful memories and despite the sadness and grief we can go on with our lives.
I hope it makes some sense.
This is just a very general suggestion and propbably not too helpful

 
At 5:32 PM, Blogger Esther said...

Thanks Rory, I'll probably take you up on that.

RR, you cracked me up -- and then you got all sweet. Thanks. :) Everything will be fine. I just need to get over it already.

Gindy, you're right about it depending on the sitch. And I have been running into people like this my whole life. You'd totally think I'd know how to handle it by now, lol. Oh well (but you did say some useful stuff). Felis is right though; I'm very sensitive (hi RR!) and I just never get used to it. And the "dead" idea is right on. I've used that one in the past. This one isn't as serious as past ones but it just screws with me in a way that's annoying. I realize that is kind of cagey, but the people in question could happen by this blog, so I don't want to be too obvious. ;)

 
At 6:38 PM, Blogger patrickafir said...

I find a few things to be helpful when I feel that way. Consider how worse things could be (and are for many others). Remember how terribly short life is (it really is). If this is someone you spend time and energy on, stop, unless they change. Pour five pounds of sugar into their car's gas tank first, though. heh Spend more time with those who appreciate you, and who understand your merits, qualities, and ideas. Write, exercise, clean. Round up your blog posse and let the mayhem begin.

Just remember, Esther, do something that will contribute to resolution and remember that everything passes—even things we don't want to. As long as you don't do something to prolong, perpetuate, or increase your discontent, and as long as you don't remain idle and passive, you'll at least know that you're getting through it.

 
At 10:47 PM, Anonymous Rory said...

Esther, if it's any consolation, it looks as if there are a lot of people who care about you and want to help. And as they say "this too shall pass."

 
At 4:39 AM, Blogger Warren said...

(The Serenity Prayer)
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.


I ask myself; can I change the situation?

If I cannot, then I must accept it then move on. To do otherwise is a waste of time and energy that I cannot afford. Literally, its not worth my time.

The wisdom to know the differance is the hardest part.

 
At 9:07 AM, Blogger Esther said...

Thanks, patrick. Sadly, I do realize how short life is and I know you're right to keep that in mind. It's just it affects me across the board, personal and professional, so it's very tricky. But I'm not able to act/change the situation (so that's a no to your question, Warren), to resolve it in any way, so I do realize I need to just accept it (like Warren's said). If I were able to say something, it'd be so much easier. I guess that's the frustrating part. I like being able to talk things out and this particular situation doesn't lend itself to that.

Rory, you're so right and that means a great deal to me. Thank you -- and thanks to all of you. :)

 
At 9:37 AM, Anonymous Jonathan said...

Look at all these great responses you got from people who care about you! That should help. . . . You know what I find to be the best way of dealing with such situations? Let time pass. Don't act impulsively. Sleep on it, whatever it is. Time is a great balm. I know this sounds trite, but it's so true. . . . And, whatever it was that got to you, I hope you're feeling better.

 
At 12:31 PM, Blogger Batya said...

You have to do something to clear it out, or it's not good for you. Since I don't know the cause it's hard to advise.

 
At 10:44 AM, Blogger Mountain Mama said...

Warren misquoted the Serenity prayer. In the original form the first word is "God."
Written without God it is just asking no one or nothing. It is a undirected request.
When I was faced with betrayal, I carried the anger and bitterness too. In essence I was allowing my betrayer to continue abusing me. When I finally asked God to give me forgiveness for this person, it came, the anger left. It works.

 

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